martes, 20 de octubre de 2009

EL PERUANO

Llámesele peruvian, perruano, sudaca perruano, peruviano, Peru-Ano, perucho, jodido, "cholo power", o Macchu Picchuano. Es aquella sub-especie humana, oriunda del Perú perteneciendo a alguna de las 4 regiones naturales, los 8 pisos altitudinales o a los 4 suyos. De acuerdo a investigaciones se le clasifica como Homo Peruvianis (¿?) ubicados debajo de los monos, pero por encima de los Chilenos y casi arriba de sus primos los Bolivianos. Claro que no sabemos si esto es en Biología o Geografía o Jergalogìa.

Breve historia de los peruchos.

Un día antes de Cristo, llegaron los primeros habitantes desde la tierra Media, eran enanos, tenían abundante pelo, dientes chuecos, y algunos se desplazaban usando sus cuatro extremidades, en fin, no han evolucionado mucho. Estos se agruparon, formando grupos y desarrollando propias culturas, hasta que otros indios cuzqueños, que al ser descendientes de vikingos tenían la piel blanca, además de ser rubios y limpios, los cazaron a todos. Así, en el siglo XIV, lograron crear el Imperio Incaico, tan desarrollado, que usaban rocas para hacer sus templos y mezclaban barro con Inca Kola para construir sus chozas.
Este imperio prosperó, por 100 años, hasta que llegaron los españoles bailando el chachachá, y destruyendo todo a su paso. Ellos edificaron sus casas sobre la de los indígenas, quemaron a sus ídolos y les impusieron el analfabetismo católico. De tal encuentro nacieron los peruanos actuales, medio vrutos, medio hignorantez, medio indecentes, medio jodidos, medios impuntuales y medio españoles pe (Criollos).

Estamentos Peruanos

La sociedad peruana está dividida injustamente en estamentos, lo cual te dice que para triunfar vas a hacer hasta lo imposible o si no ya te cagaste. Así que por lo pronto anda vislumbrando a tus nietos como una pandilla de pirañas fumones, o en el peor de los casos bloggeros. Los Pitucos, son las personas más poderosas (sólo en el Perú, ya que cuando se van al exterior se le encojen los huevos), de cabellos rubios y tez claros y hablan ingles.
Llevan la costumbre de vanagloriarse de saber de musica gringa, y leer periódicos cómo El Comercio, entendiendo el 10% (y eso leyendo los comics).Se les encuentra en Lima, por San Isidro, Miraflores, San Borja, la Molina, Surco,Chaclacayo etc.
Los del medio, gente que tiene la fortuna de tener un suelo y a veces un techo. Son la parte del país que asegura su existencia, la clase obrera o la sirve al estado en su mayoria muy parecidos a los pitucos y a los sholos, por tener ambas costumbres, como escuchar música del pueblo ( Chicha), o escuchar musica en ingles aunque esto solo demuestra lo acomplejados que son los pitucos y los sholos.
Los Cholos, la mayoria verdadera de los peruanos,representan casi la mitad del perú, en lima son esa gente que es diferente a los costeños y los selvaticos, pero si vas a otros lados del Perú veras mas cholos que otakus en una mega-expo internacional, pero sin embargo los cholos son muy famosos y queridos internacionalmente, inclusive hay cholo pitucos, o tambien visevesa.
La clase marginal, es la clase que esta mas abajo de todo el perú, en esta se encuentran los pirañitas, los pandilleros, los asaltantes, y todo eso que te llega a la verga, que para vivir tiene que robar, porque les da pereza ir a trabajar como todo buen peruano, asi que no son considerados peruanos ya que no cumplen varias caracteristicas como amar a la patria, y sudar la camiseta por el Perú, solo son peligrosos cuando estan en compañia, porque si no se les arruga el chupi y se van a esconder en algun lugar, por lo que si ves a uno solo y se te pone afanaso ni te preocupes, es mas como no son peruanos son considerados como alimañas a las que con todo gusto las puedes coleccionar y disecar ya que los demas animales del Perú estan protegidos por ley.

tipos de peruanos

El costeño, suele ser el peruano que vive en la franja costera por lo que disfruta el mar, y las olas y tiene el mar en la sangre, los mas famosos de esta clases son los limeños, los piuranos, los iqueños, y los arequipeños.

El serrano, reconocible por sus ropas de lana,baja estatura , nariz ganchuda y piel opaca, se destacan por su ancestral raiz con el Perú y por no poder pronunciar alguna que otra letra. los mas famosos son los cuzqueños, los ayacuchanos, los puneños y los huanuqueños.

El selvatico peruano, de corta estatura, muy animoso y con el poder de hablar a la velocidad de la luz, se destacan por sus hermosas mujeres las selvaticas que son 100% irresistibles ante todo hombre, a menos de que no se sienta muy hombre, tienen la alegria en el alma y toda una selva para ellos solos, con muchas mujeres claro esta.

Cosas Meid In Peru

Lo peruano no sólo es su gente, también son sus cosas, producto de 500 años de horrible existencia. A continuación, detallaremos cosas hechas acanga:

Inca Kola
La bebida gaseosa del Perú de un atractivo color amarillo fosforescente (debe ser por el saborizante ese que ta prohibido enn otros paises). Es fabricada con extractos de hierba luisa y jugo de maracuyá.

Polladas (a) “Chicken Party” o PFC “Peruvian Fried Chicken”
Dícese de las reuniones o fiestas que realizan los perruchos para recaudar fondos pro-el techo de mi casa, a base de vender platos de pollo( en la mayoria de casos el pollo lleva agua o es inflado con aire ) acompañados de Inca Kola para no atragantarse con el hueso del cogote. La verdad esto sólo es una excusa para dar rienda suelta a los instintos animalejos bebiendo mucha cerveza (alias: "La Chela") y bailando el himno patrio: "El Perreo Chacalonero", el cual termina convirtiéndose en grandes orgías.

Machu Picchu
Montón de rocas perfectamente afiladas en un cerro creado por los fuertes y nutridos Incas (fue el uso indiscriminado de los esteroides) pero según fuentes históricas de yanquilandia (un poko d envidia por parte de los gringo locos) dicen que fueron OVNIS que lijaron las piedras y les dieron conocimientos primordiales a dos apaches hijos de vecinos cualquiera llamado Mano Blanca y Mama Ocho...

Serenazgo
Más conocido SereGANZOS!!, estos son un grupo de ex pirañitas que nunca fueron al colegio, y sin embargo les dan el trabajo de custodiar distritos, ciudades, calles, etc. Pero lo mejor que saben hacer es jugar “rasquin-ball” en sus camionetas y corretear niños indefensos, golpear maricones, detener ambulantes (indefensos), y recibir un rico soborno por una infracción que no cometiste.

La Papa
Tubérculo (nombre muy sugerente...) según historias antiguas sacadas de yanquilandia...era una fruta agria sacada de lo más profundo de la selva que fue brutalmente adaptada al clima más frío en la cordillera sacando así gran variedad de especies...que sirvió de platillo común en los incas y que fue el gran descubrimiento de los españolianos... y de los ingleses quienes se salvaron de morir de hambre gracias a ella.
A paritr de ello la papa se fue de viaje por las cadenas de comida rápida, como Mc Donalds, Bembos y otros.. claro y al Perú llegan las últimas huevadas, esas con gusanos y todas chiquititas. También sirve de "Jerga" o " jeringa" a una parte sutil de la mujer en el dialecto peruano (y muy dispustado por estos).

Pisco 7.9
El Pisco 7.9 es una bebida conmemorativa que celebra el masivo sacrificio humano en la que más de 500 dieron su vida para poder contener los estragos que la Pacha-mama (tierra en quechua) habían causado en un malvado terremoto de -que curioso- 7.9 grados en la escala de Ritcher. Claro que no, el nombre es pura coincidencia de nuestro amiguito, el ministro de producción, Rafael Rey.

¿Sabías qué


1.- El Peruano antes de morir de hambre crea inventos aunque estos sean lo más estúpidos posibles?
2-.El peor enemigo de un Peruano progresista es un Peruano chauvinista?
3.-Los Chilenos envidian a los Peruanos sólo porque los Peruanos somos más guapos?
4.-Del 100% de los Peruanos que se va al extranjero el 90% termina alienado y se cree mejor por viajar a otro país y cuando regresan se creen extranjeros?
5.-Lo mejor de ser Peruano en Brasil es no ser Argentino?
6.-Lo mejor de ser Peruano en Colombia es no ser Ecuatoriano?
7.-Lo mejor de ser Peruano en Chile es no ser Chileno?
8.-Lo mejor de ser Peruano en Perú es pasar como extranjero? (sólo si mides 1.80 tienes ojos azules y esas huevadas, como yo por ejemplo XD)


FIN

165 comentarios:

la MaLquEridA dijo...

Me gustaría saber de donde es que sacas tantas cosas para describir a los peruanos más bien dicho TU descripción de los peruanos.


Muy bueno tu relato como siempre.


Saludos.

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